"How To" Be a Single Mother (Parent)

(I also wrote this blog a few years ago and am reposting.)

I am a single mother. I have been since the day after my daughter was born, and her father left. Truthfully – it was the best thing that could have happened. I have not had an easy journey – no single parent does.

With that said, I read a few blogs this morning concerning the “do’s and don’ts” of single motherhood. So, I thought I would write a list of the things that I feel every single mother (or father) needs to know.

1. Your children should always come first.
That should be self explanatory, but often it is not. You made the choice to have children, whether planned or unplanned, and they come first. You gave up that right to buy that sweater when you wanted it because your child needs shoes. You gave up your right to put your needs first. Every choice you make should be done thinking of how this could potentially impact your child. Every choice. That’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

2. Children do not need to know about finances.
Parents who involve their children in the family finances are wrong. That child cannot do anything about the electric bill that needs to be paid. I consider it holding a child emotionally hostage when a parent tells them how many sacrifices they had to make to get that baseball uniform.
Teaching financial responsibility is a whole different topic in itself. You are able to teach by example. When your child wants an “extra”, take the time to save for it so they value it more. Follow through on when you say you can do something because it builds trust.

3. Children are not mini adults.
Children are not born with the mind of an adult and are just waiting for their bodies to catch up. Children are not born preprogrammed with adult software. Programming is your job. If you want to have adult conversation, invite a friend over for coffee. It would be even better if that friend has a child who could play with your child. When you feel the
need to treat your child as a mini adult, switch gears and embrace your inner child instead. It will make you feel better – trust me.

4. Find other single parents to befriend.
Let’s face it. As a single parent, you do not fit in with your friends who are married with children. You also do not completely fit in with your single friends. It can be an uncomfortable place to be. Find friends who you can relate to, and who can relate to you. Find someone that you can help to support, and who in turn can also support you. You
will be glad you did.

5. Never seek comfort from your children.You are the parent. You are the adult. It is your job to wipe tears and soothe fears. It is your job to comfort. It is never your child’s job. I have seen children who are raising their parents – and it is heartbreaking. Your child has a right to their childhood and it is your job to protect it. As an adult, you should have grown enough to know how to comfort yourself, or know who to look to for comfort. Your child should never be that person.

6. It is your responsibility to care for your child.I cannot stand mothers who abuse the welfare system. When I became a single mother, I needed significant help financially. I recieved assistance from the state by way of free daycare, housing assistance, food stamps and for a while, even cash benefits. But, I don’t recieve them anymore. I have worked myself off of all assistance.

I participated in a program through my state that helped single parents go to college. I was given gas reimbursements. I was able to work with a career counselor, and had access to opportunities I might not have had. I worked at it. I maintained my GPA and took care of my child. I was empowering myself to get off of assistance, be a productive and contributing member of society and be a woman and mother that would make my daughter proud.

The program was cut. Additional welfare resources took its place. I was angry.

I do not think that there is anything wrong with people needing assistance. When people look at it as an acceptable way of life, I have a problem. When people look at it as the end of the road instead of a stepping stone to bigger and better, I have a problem.

My tax dollars should not be supporting a woman who is content to stay home with her children and collect from the state. A good portion of those people on state aid have the ability to work, but not the desire. I do not begrudge those who need the assistance, and I believe the majority of those on assistance need it, but I dislike those who abuse it.

(Sidenote – I wrote all of this when I was working. It is interesting to look at now that I am not. I still really dislike when I see people abusing the system when I am trying so hard to appropriately utilize resources to achieve my dreams and eventually return to work in a field where I can make an impact. However, I have learned a lesson in humility. I was blessed with the work I was able to do for six years. I am blessed now even though it has been taken away from me.)

7. Empower your children and teach them responsibility.To be really frank, I was a princess when I was growing up. I was adopted, and my parents felt like they owed it to me to make up for the years of abuse prior. I had to learn some hard lessons about the real world, and how it works. Do not do everything for your children. Do not let them do everything they want to do. Teach your children boundaries.
Teach your children that they are not “entitled” to anything – that they must earn their way in this world. Do you feel bad sometimes that there is an absent parent? Sure. The ONLY way to make that up to your children is to give them all the tools they need to live a successful life, and empower them to use them.

8. Don’t be afraid or stubborn when someone wants to help you with your children in some way.This type of help is what I call “random acts of kindness.” There is nothing wrong with it. Appreciate that nice lady from church who thinks your child is cute and gave them a small present. When your mother calls to say “Can I take the baby for the afternoon? You can get some rest” don’t be indignant and think “I don’t need rest.” Take the blessing. People who show these little kindnesses are not doing them out of pity. They are equally as blessed by their actions as we are. We often have the “Wonder Woman” complex where we think we can do it all, and get angry if we even suspect people think we cannot. Kill your pride and recognize the spirit from which these gestures come.

9. Always know what your children are doing in school.I cannot stand the attitude that sometimes parents have that when their children are in school, they are the school’s responsibility. Nothing could be more wrong. Know what your child is doing. Develop a good relationship and rapport with their teacher. Partner with the school to best help your child grow and learn. Know who their friends are, and what behaviors are shown. A child with an active parent is less likely to fall through the cracks, and less likely to make poor choices when presented with them.

10. Remember who you are.You are not only a mother. You may be a sister, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a granddaughter, an avid reader, a fantastic performer, a beautiful writer – the possibilities of who you are are endless. You were these things before you had children, and you are these things now. Your identity is not completely wrapped up in being your child’s mother. Don’t lose who you are. If you lose who you are, you won’t have anything to offer to your children. They want you. They want and deserve all of you. It is your obligation to recharge everyday to be the best mother you can. Take time for yourself every day. Take an extra long shower. Read a chapter of a book. Go for a walk. Listen to some music you like. After all the work you have to do all day long, you deserve it.