"Rules" for Dating a Single Parent

(I wrote this post several years ago, but a blog I read today reminded me of it, so I am reposting.)

Not too long ago, I was sitting at the beach with a friend – a fellow single mother. She has met an amazing man, but due to the restrictions of their schedules, they hardly see each other. She said “I have all the restrictions of a relationship and none of the benefits.” So simply said, and yet how powerfully true.

Being a single parent is difficult. Though I am writing this from the “single mother” point of view, please know that I understand that much of what I am saying applies also to single fathers. I know some single parents who are the only parent to their child – due to complete abandonment by or death of the other parent. It is difficult to keep that fine line between being the best parent you can be, and also keeping your own identity. One of the worst things I did to myself when my daughter’s father left was to feel like I did not have the right to date – that to be with anyone else would be a betrayal to my daughter. Without retaining some semblance of an adult life, we are simply hurting ourselves in the long run.

Dating requires us to take a chance. We did not become single parents without having some heartbreak in our life. We are taking a chance not only with our hearts, but with our children’s hearts. That is a lot of responsibility to put on a potential partner, and though it can hurt, we do understand when that person has to walk away because they are not ready for that.

Here are some things that one needs to know before dating a single parent.

We are in control – and we have a hard time giving up that control.
We know our schedules, our obligations and the needs of our family. Chances are we cannot drop everything on a whim even if our “someone special” just found out a fabulous band is playing in four hours. At times, this can seem like we only do things on our terms. We are trying to balance everything between being responsible about our families and spending treasured time with that “someone special.” We often wish we could throw caution to the wind, but if we give up control, there is no one to pick up our slack.

We have limitations – and we promise “washing our hair” is not among them.
There may be times when we have to cancel plans at the last-minute. If we receive a call in the middle of a date, and we have to leave, it was not one of our friends offering a “Now,
you can leave your bad date” emergency call. We are trying to teach our children to not play games and we won’t play them ourselves. Chances are, if we do have to cancel or leave in the middle of a date, we are more upset than our “special someone.” We are worried about what is happening at home. Once the issue is resolved, it will occur to us that we had to leave precious, adult, “free to be me” time and hope it comes again soon.

And while we are on the topic of adult time…
We probably have higher expectations than most women out there. Or if we don’t, we should. Why? Because we know that not only do we deserve the best, but our children deserve the best. Our children’s relationships in the future will be modeled after the example we set for them now. We expect romance, courtesy, respect and chivalry. This is non negotiable. While grand romantic gestures are wonderfully sweet, what is sincerely appreciated are moments where you show you have paid attention to something about us – and not just gone for the Hollywood style glitz. Show us how special we are, and you will know you are the luckiest man on this earth.

We have baggage – and no, it is NOT our children!
This could be the biggest understatement of the year. We became single parents for a reason. We each have a story – single parent or not. We each have had heartbreak
and pain. It is normal to be afraid in a relationship at first. It is normal to react to things based upon our past until we learn differently. That takes time. We know that we do not mean to blame each other for the sins of the past. It takes an extra amount of trust
and communication to be secure enough for both of us to put down our baggage.

We will introduce you to our children when we are ready.
We do not want to introduce you to our children until we are certain you will be a positive influence in their lives. Inviting you into our heart is one matter – inviting you into our
children’s heart is another matter entirely. We want to model healthy, caring and respectful friendships and relationships to our children. We will wait to introduce our children until we are confident we have that in you.

We are not looking for a “Daddy” for our children.
A word to the wise – if you meet a woman who is looking for a “Baby Daddy” – run as far as you can in the opposite direction. If that child’s father is so “replaceable,” would you end up being “replaceable?” Whether our children’s fathers are involved in their lives or not, we are not looking for a father. We want to like you for who you are – not who you
can be to our children. Please do not automatically think you can step into that role – our children will like and respect you more if you do not.

Do NOT try to compete with our children’s father.
This is probably one of the single most important rules. No matter what – do not ever try to compete with our children’s father. You will lose every time. We will side with our child every time. Our child may love, admire and respect you, but you will never be their Dad. (There are exceptions here, but it is not the rule.) Foster a special relationship significant for the two of you. The best type of relationship for our children is one where they feel free to love both their father and you because everyone respects their boundaries and everyone has the emotional health of the child at heart.

We do not want you to discipline our children.
If our children are in imminent danger, please stop them from what they are doing. Please do not reprimand our children – alert us to a situation so we may handle it. If our children ask permission for something, do not grant or deny their request unless we have taken that step and given you permission to do so. Do not question discipline methods or parenting decisions in front of our children.

“It’s not about you – it’s about me.”
Our children may treat you horribly. They may be rude, disrespectful and utterly belligerent about their mothers going out on a date. They will be disciplined. Please do not take it to heart. It is not that you are not liked – it is that they don’t want to share – and it is our job to reassure and reinforce our love and that nothing will take us away from them. Don’t “try” to get them to like you – that is the worst thing you can do. As we want you to be yourself with us, we want you to be yourself with our children. Patience, understanding, consistency is all that is really needed to turn the situation around.