Dependent Independence (McBloggery Blog #3)

My mother and father provide a lot for daughter.  My mother loves to shop for Olivia and it gives her great joy to see her granddaughter looking adorable in the clothes, shoes and accessories that she buys for her.  I am grateful for the things that Olivia has that I would not have been able to otherwise provide. Making sure she wears these things, especially when she is going out with my parents, is really the least I can do to show my appreciation.  Because of this, I learned a long time ago to avoid “the look” my mother gives me if Olivia looks unkempt if she is going out with my parents for the day. 
 

Unfortunately, and fortunately, Liv has not yet learned this look from my mother.    Unfortunately, Liv’s current sense of “style” also tends to clash at times.  Her need for autonomy outweighs the knowledge that blue stripes, pink plaid and ruby red slipper shoes really do not match.  When we are having “at home” days, Liv is allowed to dress in any way she chooses.  One time, we went shopping and I stopped in Goodwill to see if they had any jeans that were broken in for her.  In the formal section, they had a bridal veil Liv asked if she could get to play dress – up with.  She did and she wore it for the rest of the day – including into Walmart and Market Basket. 

This morning, Liv and I squared off in the bathroom at each other.  She was very adamant in saying “NO MOMMY!  You will NOT help me brush my hair today!  I DON’T CARE if I am going out with Babcia – I DON’T have to look perfect all the time.  I will tell her it was MY CHOICE to wear my hair like this.” 

Pick your battles, right?  I considered it a miracle I persuaded her not to wear neon flip flops with a grey sundress with delicate white eyelet trim.  Off she went with her cowlick a little more prominent today than usual. 

I began thinking of so many ways in which children assert their independence from the time they are very young.  Olivia did not want to eat certain foods, so she would play with them in her highchair.  Today – she sneaks them to the dog.  She used to climb out of her crib during naptime.  The day she learned to stand on her own, she had a huge smile on her face.  She positively beamed as she took her first steps towards me shortly after.  There have been so many milestones, both momentous and quiet, in which Olivia has asserted her independence and her desire to make choices for herself. 

Yet, all the while, she needs me.  She needs her father.  She needs her grandparents.  She needs love, structure, and support to empower her to make the right choices.  She has independent dependence on those who care for her and love her.  She has a framework in which to make independent choices but not complete freedom to do completely as she wishes.  Often, she does not like not being able to make a choice she wishes to make.  Often times, she does not grasp the rippling effect that consequences of our actions have, though she is steadily learning. 

As I sat working today on necessary paperwork that seems to come in the mail every day without fail, I thought about this idea of independent dependence.  Is anyone really ever totally independent?    Is there ever really a single action that does not have a consequence of some sort?  Or, do we all need a framework within to work and structure our lives, even as adults? 

I need a framework.  I need the rules and guidelines that God sets forth for me in the Bible.  I know in my heart that without my faith I would not be here today.  That framework can be seen so clearly in the Sermon on the Mount found in the Gospel of Matthew. 

This passage in the Bible talks about the difference of walking and not walking the Christian walk.  It discusses everything from murder, to the sin of worry to idolatry and everything else in between.  It talks about our heavenly rewards being greater than acting in accordance to our human desires and only reaping the “benefits” of what we may get on earth.  It does not sugarcoat what we are being called to do in following Christ, nor how difficult that may be at times to do.  In Chapter 5, verses 11 and 12, it is stated “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

More and more I wonder how I have gotten to this place - of not having a job, of not being able to afford my car with all of its issues, and of having to reach out for help.  I have felt such shame in needing to seek assistance.  I had already asked received help at one time.  I got food stamps, housing assistance, health insurance and fuel assistance when Liv was a baby.  Slowly I was able to decline help as I got myself on my feet again.  I praised God for the ability to do that and thanked Him for the blessings that allowed me to become “independent.” 

Somewhere along the way, I stopped praising God for those blessings.  I took them on to be things that “I” achieved for myself.  I grew to be very successful in a career I loved – until it was all taken out from underneath me.  How many times did I face off with God like my daughter did with me and say “I DON’T CARE if this is not YOUR BEST for me!  This is what I want!”  How many times did I put my career and my desire to be successful in this world ahead of the promise held for me in eternity?  In Matthew 6:24, it says “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

In so many ways, I let this world affect my relationship with God.  My choices were not made in the framework of what God wants for me, but rather the nearsighted view of what I wanted for me.  Where it has gotten me is not a nice place to be at the moment. 

And yet, despite all of that, I feel God working in my life.  I feel Him picking me back up and getting me ready for the next path He will have me embark on.  I feel His love around me in the peace I am beginning to feel as I cast my worries at His feet and ask how I may serve Him.  I have the privilege of serving a God who will never leave or forsake me – no matter how many mistakes I make.  I have the honor in knowing just how much my Father loves me and wants to see me prosper while doing what He is calling me to do. 

God may allow me to make independent choices, but in the same way my daughter is dependent on me to take care of her, I am dependent on God to take care of both of us.  I have to do a better job in remembering that.