Enough

I have always dreamed. 
 

When I was seven years old, I dreamed of becoming a social worker.  About ten or fifteen years ago, I found something I had written for my mother when I was in second grade.  At the top was a picture of me and below that was a paragraph about how I wanted to be just like my mother when I grew up.  I wanted to help children like she did. 

When I was twelve, I dreamed of becoming a cardiologist.  My grandfather had just died.  It was on Ash Wednesday.  I watched across the room when my Dad told my mother that her father had died. I still remember what she was wearing.  I wanted to be a brilliant cardiologist to help families like mine to maybe not suffer loss. 

Unfortunately, I hated cutting into frogs and pigs a short time later.  That dream fell by the wayside. 

When my grandfather died, I began to write.  I wrote poetry and short prose.  I had been told about a year prior that I had a gift with the written word.  It never occurred to me to write outside of school work until I felt I had no one to talk to. 

I stopped writing for a time when my mother found my journal and read it.  In high school, she read some of my poems and misinterpreted them as being “suicidal.”  That is the last thing I was – at that time anyway.  When I did actually begin getting sick, she ignored it.  “Not her daughter.”

For a time, I dreamed of being on stage. I dreamed of singing.  Ok, I still dream of being on stage and singing.  One day, I would love to perform in one of the summer productions at Prescott Park.  Maybe even perform with Liv. 

I dream of writing a book telling my whole story.  But, I don’t feel that I have learned all the lessons God is seeking to teach me yet, so any book I would write would be incomplete.  But, I keep “snippets” here and there.  Maybe when I do finally write my story all out, it will only be for my daughter’s eyes. 

I dream of helping other single mothers.  For a time, I mentored teenaged single mothers.  That did not end so well.   Maybe I won’t be able to help in the ways that I want to help until I am a “recovered” single mother – married or Olivia is grown up.  I have talked many times with my Pastor about beginning a single parent ministry – he brought it up to me.  I am working on a proposal for what the ministry would look like.  It’s very slow going. 

I dream of getting married one day.  It’s one of my biggest desires to be truthful.  I dream of making a home with my husband.  I dream of doing things to serve my family more so than I serve Olivia right now.  I dream of having a “full time” family.  This weekend, Liv was with her father.  Sometimes I am Ok.  This weekend was excruciating painful and I don’t know why.  It’s a lonely life and I often ask God “Is this all you want my life to be?”

I dream of finally getting my degree.  I dream of getting it from the college I began at in 1997, but I am beginning to realize that perhaps another college or university would be a better choice.  Maybe I am not meant to go back to that college.  Maybe I am not meant to go back to college at all – or at least not any time soon.

I asked my sister in law last night why she thought I was so desperate to get my degree.  I thought for sure her answer would be to work in the field I want to work in, or because I love to learn.  No.  Her answer was “Pride.”  She meant it in the sense that I feel I have something to prove.  She is partially right.  But that is not the main reason I want my degree. 

The main reason I want my degree is to make my daughter proud that I am her mother.  I want my daughter to be able to say “My mom worked so hard and she got her degree!”  I want to have a picture with her, in my cap and gown, hung next to my degree.  I want her to see that no matter how many obstacles are thrown your way, you can achieve your dreams. 

Right now, I find myself in this “wait and see” stage.  Frankly, it is driving me a little crazy.  Sometimes, I have terrible insomnia and sleep perhaps three to four hours a night.  Other times, I could sleep all day.  Sometimes, I find myself going through all of my paperwork, making sure I did not miss anything.  Other times, I put paperwork that I need to get done to the side because I am so mentally exhausted I cannot fill out anything else.  Sometimes I am on the phone with the different agencies I am waiting to hear from “just checking in.”  Other times, I cannot return phone calls for days. 

This “waiting and seeing” has the potential to kill me slowly.  I cannot fathom anything right now other than acceptance into these programs.  I don’t know what I will do if the answer is “No.”  Until now, I have not left the option for “No” open in my heart. 

My Pastor and other members of my church have been asking me to get involved in various ministries like choir and youth group.  I have consistently said “Maybe” or “Not right now” because I am “waiting to see” what will happen with everything I have on my plate.  I don’t want to get involved with anything and then have to change my obligations and disappoint someone.  But, by “waiting and seeing” I am stuck in this holding pattern. I am not really living my life at all.  I am not making the impact that perhaps God wants me to make for however long He wants me to make it.  I have been slowly integrating some volunteer time with those ministries into my schedule.  I attend two Bible studies a week and a monthly Women’s Fellowship Meeting. 

I am here every afternoon for Liv – after spending the day preparing for our evenings together (laundry, cleaning, etc.).  She gets off the bus and falls into step besides me.  She links her arm with mine and begins to talk about her day.  I know ALL of the playground gossip.  I am able to make her a snack and have the time to make us a nice dinner.  I am able to give her the time to decompress from the day and then do her homework / studying rather than being frantic about making dinner and getting stuff done when I get home from work.  She has not gotten below a 92% on ANYTHING this year so far since I have been home with her in the afternoons.  She has gained some significant confidence about her abilities because I have the time to spend with her pointing them out.  I do honestly love the time I am able to spend being my little girl’s Mom.

I find my dreams beginning to shift a little.  I find myself wanting to STOP wanting what I don’t have today.  I find myself wanting “today” and all that comes with it, even if it does not seem like much to most people, to be “enough.”  I find myself wanting to just forget that I am “waiting to see” if the other areas of my life will come to fruition. 

But, how do I put my other dreams on hold…again.  Will they ever come true?  Are they meant to come true?  Will these empty spots I have inside of me ever be filled? 

Will I ever be “enough?”