Twist The Knife, Princess! (McBloggery Topic 5 "Guilt")

Olivia told me last week that she was having “kind of a lousy summer” so far.  Taken aback, I asked her why.  She told me that it was because her grandmother had been in Kansas for two weeks and she missed her. 

As an afterthought, she said “And because we have not been able to go many places because you don’t have a car.” 

Twist that knife a little more, princess.

I felt guilty for about two seconds.  I said “Well, I am sorry you feel that way.  But, I have to ask you, what have you been doing all day?”  She looked at me with a little bit of confusion and said “Weaving, why?”  I said “Did you know how to do that yesterday?”  She said “No.”  I said “Sometimes we can have more fun by staying home and learning new things.  We do not always have to be on the go to have a good life.” 

Liv got the contemplative look on her face that tells me she knows I am right but won’t tell me.

We have had a wonderful day today.  We walked to a blueberry patch about two miles away with the dog.  I think Liv ate more blueberries than she put in the quart container.  We walked back home for a little bit.  We then walked a mile to church and I finished doing the weekly bulletins while she danced to her IPOD.  We walked to the store, got hot dogs for lunch and sat near the dam to eat.  On our way home, we stopped to get one of her friends and we went to the small museum that opened at the end of our street in an old train station.  Right now, Liv and her friend are playing with Barbie dolls spread on two queen size blankets on our front lawn.  These simple joys are what life is all about. 

I can feel God changing me in so many ways right now.  One of the major things I have noticed has been a substantial reduction in the amount of guilt I feel regarding Olivia.  Maybe it is because of a greater sense of self confidence in my parenting skills.  Maybe it is because of a conviction that I am exactly where God wants me to be right now, even if I don’t always like it. 

I used to feel a tremendous amount of guilt.  I felt badly Liv had to go between two homes.  I felt guilty that I had to work outside of my home.  I felt like a failure if I could not get Liv everything she wanted.  I felt guilty if I spent money going to the movies with a friend instead of going with her.  I thought I was “less than” so I had something to prove. 

I have nothing to prove other than I love my daughter and I am working my hardest to give her a good life. 

I have been blessed by this time at home with her.  We are enjoying our home.  We are enjoying each other more.  She is no longer fighting for my attention after a long day of working.  I am getting to know my daughter better. 

For all of that – I will take not having a car for a little while.  And, I will not feel guilty.