The Parking Lot

It was one of those beautiful days.  The sun was warm and shone through the freshly budding trees like slivers of light.  She loved seeing that - feeling like God was saying hello through the beauty He created.  Her heart was peaceful. 

                She saw him in the parking lot before he saw her.  She watched for a moment as he put what appeared to be a pizza in the backseat.  She knew she could get back in her car and wait for him to pull away.  She knew she could walk right past, and he may not even notice her.  But her heart said “What if he does? How would that make him feel?”  Sometimes, she wished that little voice inside would just take a vacation on a beach somewhere with a margarita.  The voice needed to learn to relax.

                With every ounce of courage she could find, she took a few steps forward and called “Hi.”  Her voice was clear and strong.  Why couldn’t it have been weak and mousy?  Then she could have told herself “Well, I said hi and he didn’t respond.” It just would have been an excuse.  A moment to shirk away from a challenge.  A breaking of a promise to God to be vulnerable and transparent.

                He looked up, and with a smile on his face, he said “Hello.”  It felt really wonderful to see that smile.  If she wasn’t mistaken, the smile reached his eyes.  His voice wasn’t guarded.  Her heart.  That feeling. She wished it would go away.  She took a step forward as she said “How are you?” She stopped as her whole body began to shake.  She didn't think he knew that she shook like a leaf when she was scared.  She didn’t know if she had ever told him.  He had never held her during those moments.

The man before him had.  That man would quietly hold her as tight as he could until the last tremor had subsided and she could breathe again.  But that was not the man she wanted by her side. It was the man standing before her saying he was good, and asking how she was.  This was a problem in their relationship.  The scars from “the man before” and “the woman before.”  In the beginning of their relationship, they had referred to the Billy Joel song “An Innocent Man” as a way to explain what they were feeling, knowing that sometimes they were not being fair with themselves or each other.  She heard her voice say that she was good.  Still strong, but dangerously close to cracking.  She wondered if the pain she felt was evident on her face.  It probably was.  She probably came off as being rather cold. Appearances are deceiving. 

And she turned away, walking into the store.  He had once told her she was complicated, but not in a bad way.  She knew if she stood there for another moment, her courage would crumble and she would falter.  He was simply saying hello, but her heart was breaking.  There’s a fine line between transparency and losing your dignity.  She had to walk away on her terms because awkwardness would have made her beat herself up.  She was reminded of a friend's words to her once. "The thing I like about you is that you are old enough to know better, but too young to care." She has frequently told her about her perception of her ability to love.  

As she walked into the store, all these movie lines kept flying into her head. “Of all the gin joints, in all the world, [he] had to walk into mine.” “People call those imperfections, but no, that’s the good stuff.” “Some people are worth melting for.”

And lastly, “You had me at hello.”