Just As It Should Be (McBloggery Topic #4 Surprises.)

It was a cold day in January when I met Olivia’s stepmother for the first time. 

I was preparing to go on a cruise to the Mexican Rivera and I needed a formal dress for one of.  I took Olivia and a friend’s daughter to the mall.  Chelsea was thirteen years old and Liv was three years old.

I left the girls in the kids play area as I went into a couple of stores not too far away.  I explained to Chelsea exactly where I would be each time I checked in between stores.  It is important to note here that I detest clothes shopping and go through clothes racks like a race car driver.  I am convinced I have a defective female gene.  The times in between checking in were not terribly long. 

I went into Lane Bryant and hit a jackpot on some great clothes.  I went into the dressing room.  I took a bit longer in that store than I had in previous stores and Chelsea got nervous.  She and Liv came looking for me.  She did not see me in the store.  She panicked.  She did the right thing and went to the mall security office.  The mall began paging me over the loudspeaker. 

Unfortunately, the music in the store was too loud for me to hear the mall paging.  I finished in the dressing room, made my purchases and went back to the play area.  I had on my coat and was ready to get Liv bundled up to leave.  My heart began to beat out of my chest and I broke out in a cold sweat when they were not there.  I ran back to Lane Bryant and they were not there either. 

I ran to the security desk and the guard told me the girls had been there.  He told me that when I did not answer the pages, Chelsea called her mother.  Her mother told her that one of her cousins worked in the calendar store and to wait there for her.  I called her mother to tell her not to come and explained what happened.  I ran to the calendar store and held onto both of those girls for about five minutes with tear streaming down my face. 

I finally pulled myself together and told Chelsea I was so proud of her for doing the right thing.  I apologized profusely that she was worried.  I got Olivia bundled up and ready to go.  We were beginning to head out of the mall when Chelsea said “Michelle, that dress right there would look so pretty on you.”  Looking at her face, I could tell she just needed me to act “normally” again. 

The girls and I went into Torrid.  We gathered up several dresses.  Liv began wandering to the next rack and I said “Olivia, please stay with me.”  The last thing I wanted was to “lose” my daughter again. 

We were the only ones in the store.  The clerk behind the counter said “Oh!  What a pretty name!  My boyfriend’s daughter’s name is Olivia!”

I looked at her and I “knew.”  Physically, she looked a lot like I did before my hips and fanny spread from carrying Liv.  She was outgoing and bubbly.  The restaurant that Liv’s father was a chef at was not too far from the mall.  I took a deep breath and said “Oh!  What’s your boyfriend’s name?”  She said “Oh, his name is Dan!”  I looked at her and I softly said Dan’s last name.  She said “Yes…” with a puzzled look on her face.  I pulled Liv’s hat off her and said “So, you know this Olivia?” 

She said “Yes.”  She came out from behind the counter and said “My name is Sara.  You must be Michelle. It’s nice to meet you.”  And she shook my hand. I said “It’s nice to meet you too.”  Liv sat there and looked at the two of us.  Her world did not consist of her mother and her father’s girlfriend talking.  Even at that young age, she had learned the two halves of her life never connected together. 

I said “Well, I am going to go and try these on.”  She said “OK.” 

I pulled Liv and Chelsea into the dressing room with me.  I gave Chelsea a hug and I said “I know you want me to try on these dresses.  I love that you think I would look pretty in these.  Thank you. But, sweetie, I can’t.  So we are going to put back the dresses and leave, Ok?”  I couldn’t even process that Sara was Dan’s girlfriend yet.  All I could process was that this woman had heard me being paged on the speaker.  I felt like everyone could see that I had “lost” my child. 

I put the clothes back and thanked Sara.  We left and I walked about five stores down when I lost it.  I started crying in deep, rasping sobs and I could barely hold myself up straight.  We thankfully made it out to the car pretty quickly.  I pulled myself together so I could drive.  I managed to make it through Liv’s nighttime routine and then cried myself to sleep. 

The next day, I was supposed to drop Liv off to her father’s house.  He had left a voicemail saying he had to do something and he would come by later to get Liv.  I did not get the voicemail.  I went to his house.  Sara answered the door in sweatpants and one of his T-Shirts.  It was a T-Shirt I used to wear to bed.  She said “Hi.  Did you get Dan’s voicemail?”  I said “No.”  She invited me in and said “Well, you can leave Olivia with me if you want.  Dan had an appointment.  He should be here shortly.”  As nice as she seemed, I was not going to leave my daughter with someone I did not know.  I sat with her for an hour and learned a little more about her.  Dan called and asked her if I had called.  She said “No, she is right here and we are talking about you.”  We both laughed.  We needed to laugh.  Liv needed us to laugh. 

Sara and Dan got married about a year later.  They got married during the nine months I did not see Olivia.  I was told I would probably never be allowed to see my daughter again because of how sick I was.  There were times I thought that maybe it would be better to give up the fight and let Sara be Olivia’s mother.  I cried because Dan had moved on.  I cried because I thought I had been replaced in my daughter’s eyes.  I cried because this woman had the life I had at one time been promised when Dan got down on one knee to ask me to marry him. 

Sara and I have had our share of “ups” and “downs” over the past five years.  As I slowly and surely reclaimed my role as Olivia’s mother, Sara had to change the role she played in Olivia’s life.  That caused some serious conflict between the two of us.  I wrote a letter to Sara two years ago before a custody hearing concerning Liv’s school placement.  I mailed it before the custody hearing as a way to begin healing.  This is part of what I said:

“I am going to say some very difficult things tomorrow…You have either heard them or heard about them by the time that you are reading this. I don’t doubt your anger or your frustration at this point. The fact is that I cannot imagine the courage it took to willingly walk into a situation like this. You had a choice – you did not have to be here. You did not have to marry Dan. You did not have to inherit all of his struggles as your own. But, you did. You willingly took on the role of mother when I was not the best person for the job. For those nine months that I did not see Olivia, you did a beautiful job with her. But, now, it is my turn. It will stay my turn.

I hope you understand that I have to fight for my daughter. I have to fight for what I believe is

            right.  I will always fight for her with every last breath that I have.

 I know you love my daughter as your own.  You, and your parents, bring a lot to Olivia’s life.  My child is truly blessed to have as many people that love her she as does.  My job is to teach my daughter to become a good woman – smart, compassionate, loyal, giving, respectful, and faithful – just to be a truly beautiful woman in every sense of the word. You have a lot of grace. You hold your head high and you fill every room you walk in with confidence. I hardly ever wear make‐up, but you will be able to teach Olivia how to put it on beautifully. You, Dan and I all come from homes where our parents stayed married. You are able to model for Olivia what marriage looks like, what being committed through thick and thin looks like. Conversely, as Olivia sees me dating, she will see the standards that I hold someone too. She will see me not accepting less than what I deserve. I may not have found “the one” but I will be able to model for her what that process looks like. Olivia will know my struggles, but in you, she will see someone who “did it right.”

 We are both going to shape the woman that she becomes. This is not just today or the next few years we are talking about – we are both going to be the grandmothers to her children.

 Dan and I may never get along.  But, the issues that we have with each other and the issues we have regarding parenting Olivia are our issues. No one can work them out for us.

 Regardless of what decision the court makes, regardless of how ugly it may become in there tomorrow, this needs to end.   It can start with the two of us teaming up to give Olivia all that she needs to become the woman we both want her to be.  When Olivia is an adult, the only thing I want her to be able to say about the two of us is that we were awesome together and all she ever knew was how much the two of us loved her.

For a period of time after I sent this letter, Sara refused to even look at me.  She even went so far as to complain about me behind my back to my mother.  There have been several times in the past two years where I have reacted badly to things she has said and done behind my back.  There have been times I have ranted about her to my mother, and to friends.  Her actions were the subject of a mediation session last year.

But all of sudden, in this new season of my life, things are beginning to change.  Sara has been tremendously helpful.  Knowing I don’t have a car, she has been scouting all of the best places for “back to school” supplies and stocking up on stuff both for Liv and stuff I need for the house.  She has asked me several times what she can do to help.  She and Dan have both been gracious, understanding and flexible. 

It’s becoming as it should have been all along.  A large part of me is surprised.  Mostly though, I am incredibly grateful to God for the hand He has had on this situation all along – even when I pushed Him away with my anger, sorrow and jealousness.